Being pregnant confuses me. It takes all my energy, every last bit. What I’m left with is little desire to pursue anything that makes me happy.

I’m overwhelmed with emotion and fatigue seemingly all day every day. I want to rise up, to counter all that perturbs me with logic and motivation. But I dig, I dig deep. And all I find is preoccupation with negative thoughts, fueled not just by bodily fatigue but mental tiredness. 

I spend 20 percent of the day trying to tell myself to eat. Eat what though?.. I spend 20 percent trying to decide. I spend 20 percent of the day pleading with myself not to throw up. This feat itself takes the most energy out of me, besides the general tiredness that drains me all day long.

The last 20 percent I feel ok enough to have hope, to let optimism creep in, to start thinking about what I can do myself, for myself, to be happy. But an hour later I no longer have the energy to make myself happy. That’s why I feel so much better when I’m with Joel. He makes me happy when I don’t have the energy to do things for my self. 

I’m trying my best. I’m doing my best. I need to believe that there is a new mindset that I will soon be able to discover. One of appreciation and gratitude. One with stability. I need to believe that this is the storm before the sun comes out. 

I need to take care of myself when I can, and when I can’t I need to reach out to family and friends. Or else I’m just going to keep bullying myself. Feeling shitty and then bullying myself for not being able to deal with the shit on my own. I’m going to persevere.

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11 thoughts on “creating a human

    1. Thanks for your encouragement. It helps hearing you say that. I’m at about 14 weeks. It has gotten better…verrrry slowly..but still energy level is still suffering. I can’t wait till it gets better

      1. Your energy will return, but be warned, you’ll be pretty tuckered out for the first six weeks after the little one arrives. Sleep deprivation is maddening and just when you think you can take it no longer, baby sleeps 5 or 6 hours and you get your REM once again!
        Look at the whole process as a miraculous journey (which it is) and embrace every part of it, as they say, “resistance is futile.” 😉 Surrender, Dorothy!

  1. Pregnancy tests limits you didn’t know existed and strength you didn’t know you had. It’s different for everyone, but amongst many women I know (including myself), the 16-20th weeks are when it starts to be an enjoyable experience lol sending positive vibes!!

    1. lol thanks. im hoping soo bad that this whole crazy emotional nauseous phase just leeavvesss. Feels like I have a chronic illness. Thanks for the encouragement.

  2. Give yourself permission and schedule resting up time (and that means with your feet up) when and as you need. Be assured you are doing your best. Pregnancy is an incredible experience but I remember the good and not so good days.

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