I think of love and I think of tension. All I know is tension. I think of love and I feel comfortable when it’s uncomfortable.
I think of love and I think of one- sidedness.
I think of love and I think of a challenge.
The scariest part is I might not accept love when it’s easy, comfortable, clear, obvious, functional, and beautiful. I’m drawn to the excitement of dysfunction. When I feel pain or confusion 70% of the time, joy feels like a hot bath, like a drug that brightens everything around me, and one which allows me to appreciate simple pleasures. Among all the confusion, a moment of clarity overwhelms me with unrivaled happiness. Among misunderstandings, understanding is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
On one hand, I experience a potent shot of life just by witnessing a smile a midst all the arguing. This mindset has allowed me to fully embrace life and I do not wish it were any other way. I look at the sky and I can smile to myself for a half hour. I’ve been able to think deeply and critically about the world, in search of small, potent sources of amazement and joy, to somehow combat all the disorder surrounding me.
On the other hand, how do I recognize what’s good for me? How do I know what’s healthy for me? I seek out a challenge in all facets of life, even endeavors that I fail at over and over again. I believe I even purposefully fail at achieving goals, just to create disorder and inflict pain on myself. This is because I’m searching for a shot, a climax of joy after I feel I’ve endured enough pain. After I’ve hurt myself enough, I no longer deny myself happiness. This is messed up, I think.
I wonder if I’ll ever stop looking for pain and confusion. I can’t… if I stop, I won’t be challenged. If I’m not challenged I lose the opportunity to feel periodic, amazing relief and appreciation.
However, in losing someone, I’m not only losing potential for joy but potential for immense pain. There is not one person I can connect with. There are many.
I experience joy now- the only thing that has changed is the face I’m looking at, the voice I’m hearing, the touch I’m feeling. It’s not your face, but I still feel connection. It’s not your voice, but I still hear love. Your touch… i don’t feel it. But I still sense comfort.
To live each day as though one’s last, never flustered, never apathetic, never attitudinizing – here is the perfection of character.
Today I choose to forgive others for their wrongdoings. I choose patience instead of anger- and I take the initiative to love others who don’t even love themselves. Today I strive to achieve the perfection of character.