Start Over

I feel ashamed of who I am. I no longer see any part of me that is purely good. What happens when I cannot see beyond my failures? What happens when I can’t forgive myself for my mistakes? This is what happens: I give up.

But I don’t want to give up. I want to somehow focus on my successes- to somehow gain redemption.  But at times I feel like I’ve made too many damaging blows to my previously blameless life. I had morals. I had faith. I had a spotless record of treatment towards others. I had faultless academic progress. Now, I have none of this.

My assessment of who I am is blighted…it’s destroyed by shameful things I’ve done and said. I don’t want to be who I am anymore. How do I erase the egregious mark I’ve made on my “life”. How do I become someone new?

I can’t.  I am beyond hopeless,  beyond repair. Even if I correct mistakes, apologize for wrongdoings, refurbish perseverance,  my past will always be there to show people the darkness I’m capable of. The darkness that I will show if I’m pushed to uncomfortable limits.

I don’t want this darkness to reside here, but I don’t know where else to put it. I want courage to replace cowardice. I want optimism to replace apathy. I want love to replace selfishness. I want that. My actions say otherwise.  Even  so, there is no replacement.

I now know the hurt I can inflict on others. I now know the cruelest, most vulnerable side of me. I lie. I lie a lot. I lie to myself. And I lie to others. I lie to nature.

I long. I long a lot. I long for the attention of others. So much that it physically hurts. So much that I hurt the people I love in order to taste a sample of affection.

I give up. I give up a lot. I give up on others. I give up on myself more times than I can count. I give up on life…on my potential… on the light that periodically shines within me. I give up on maintaining the good in me.  I know there is good in me. Or there was good in me. I don’t think it exists anymore within a mindset like mine.

I am ashamed. Perhaps eternally. I don’t have the self-awarenes nor the knowledge to think otherwise. How can I forgive myself when others would never forgive me for the things I’ve done? How do I forgive myself without encouraging and propelling my own bad behavior? What is forgiveness?  I don’t want to be  here, in this body. I don’t want to live this life. I want to start over. I want to start over.

I know there is no way to do this. How I became this person, I have no idea. Maybe if I knew why I am so screwed up- maybe then I could forgive myself. But the people I love- they will not offer the same forgiveness. I just want to start over. I’d do anything to start over. Let me start over.

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Control

This brain is all I have. All I know is known because of chemical bonds and electric connections. To sever those connections, to alter their efficiency- and to create new connections- is to change who I am.

I feel both powerful and powerless. While I possess the ability to discipline this electricity- one bad connection, one chemical imbalance, one spark, has the ability to blight my reality; a single malfunction can change who I thought I created, but who is actually at the mercy of a mind that created itself.  My reality belongs to me, for how long I cannot dwell on. I choose to exercise the illusion of control…afterall, it’s all I know.

5 Watershed Realizations I Had About Relationships, Thanks to my Counselor

1) Behaviors are habits. There are plenty of nice people, they just have bad habits. I should try to separate the person from his/her dark habitual behaviors.  

2) Underneath the habits, there’s someone wanting to be loved, who is just a product of experiences. This still means I need to set boundaries if those habits are damaging my self esteem. 

3) When I feel guilty, guilt doesn’t always mean I did something wrong. It just means I feel guilty.

4) When I’m  afraid of speaking, afraid that what I say will just make everything worse, or afraid that my words won’t make a difference anyways- nothing horrible can actually happen if I speak. No one will sit on me (like my dad did) or hate me or think I’m  a terrible person. And if one does, it’s one’s own opinion and it has no power over me.

If I speak, the world won’t blow up. More importantly, I have a right to speak, a right to vote.

5) What I have to say- it matters. I should not let bitterness build up and become an explosion of pent up feelings. Say what  I want/feel/think in the moment, because I have every right to. The worst that could happen is that someone doesn’t like what I say, in which case it’s better to find out sooner rather than later if they like who I am.