I feel ashamed of who I am. I no longer see any part of me that is purely good. What happens when I cannot see beyond my failures? What happens when I can’t forgive myself for my mistakes? This is what happens: I give up.
But I don’t want to give up. I want to somehow focus on my successes- to somehow gain redemption. But at times I feel like I’ve made too many damaging blows to my previously blameless life. I had morals. I had faith. I had a spotless record of treatment towards others. I had faultless academic progress. Now, I have none of this.
My assessment of who I am is blighted…it’s destroyed by shameful things I’ve done and said. I don’t want to be who I am anymore. How do I erase the egregious mark I’ve made on my “life”. How do I become someone new?
I can’t. I am beyond hopeless, beyond repair. Even if I correct mistakes, apologize for wrongdoings, refurbish perseverance, my past will always be there to show people the darkness I’m capable of. The darkness that I will show if I’m pushed to uncomfortable limits.
I don’t want this darkness to reside here, but I don’t know where else to put it. I want courage to replace cowardice. I want optimism to replace apathy. I want love to replace selfishness. I want that. My actions say otherwise. Even so, there is no replacement.
I now know the hurt I can inflict on others. I now know the cruelest, most vulnerable side of me. I lie. I lie a lot. I lie to myself. And I lie to others. I lie to nature.
I long. I long a lot. I long for the attention of others. So much that it physically hurts. So much that I hurt the people I love in order to taste a sample of affection.
I give up. I give up a lot. I give up on others. I give up on myself more times than I can count. I give up on life…on my potential… on the light that periodically shines within me. I give up on maintaining the good in me. I know there is good in me. Or there was good in me. I don’t think it exists anymore within a mindset like mine.
I am ashamed. Perhaps eternally. I don’t have the self-awarenes nor the knowledge to think otherwise. How can I forgive myself when others would never forgive me for the things I’ve done? How do I forgive myself without encouraging and propelling my own bad behavior? What is forgiveness? I don’t want to be here, in this body. I don’t want to live this life. I want to start over. I want to start over.
I know there is no way to do this. How I became this person, I have no idea. Maybe if I knew why I am so screwed up- maybe then I could forgive myself. But the people I love- they will not offer the same forgiveness. I just want to start over. I’d do anything to start over. Let me start over.