Slowly, I am learning how to stop dwelling over outcomes that I cannot control. I’m learning how to stay centered, how to stay here and in this moment when my mind is drifting into a self-destructive realm of worrying about other people–whether it’s what others are thinking about me, saying about me, or urging me to do. Not everyone’s problems have to be my problems.
I’m learning how to stop and ask myself: Is this a matter that actually needs my obsessive attention– is this problem that I should allow to drain me, to suck all of the good thoughts out of me, leaving me with absolutely no fundamental source of stability? With nothing to stand on but the deeds I do for other people, the problems I fix for other people-and not the problems I fix for myself, for my own well-being?
What about the effort I put into caring for myself? How does a person’s morale survive if he/she depends solely on the care people sometimes offer, or on the compliments people sometimes give? What about the care I can give myself, and what about the valuable characteristics I can acknowledge in myself every day, without having to wait for someone else to point them out. I can choose stability–I can choose to create an inexhaustible source of confidence.
Writing used to be my strength, my comfort. A place I could always come to and feel at home and at peace. But now I question how much I truly need this outlet. I wonder if it’s simply something I thought I needed, just because writing has always been a listener I can count on–always. A silent listener. I don’t believe it’s necessary anymore, but I’ll forever know I can come here, to this spotless moment of fulfillment. A portion of time when my pain matters, my happiness matters… when I matter.
Lately I’ve been trying to set myself up for success instead of victimizing myself and letting the world bully me. I’m beginning to realize how much power I really have over my life, and also over what affects my life. I have the power to love myself, even when others are criticizing me–especially when others are criticizing me. The only opinion that really matters is the one I have towards who I am.
I know exactly what I need and what will make me happy. I know the music, the food, the books, the sports, the activities, the company that will bring me joy. I know myself better than anyone. So who is better equipped to provide me with what I need for happiness? Is there anyone more more capable of making me happy? Anyone more capable than ME? I have the power to give myself what I need, to set myself up for success every day. And there is no one in the world I should rely on to complete this job, as he/she will inevitably fail.
A lot of times I feel that people only like me because they can use me, and I let them.