Elusive Certainty

Aug 1st, 2012

It’s funny how people say that as we get older we become more self-assured and less indecisive—that with an aged perception comes increasing clarity of our values and beliefs. It’s funny because while everyone around me seems to clothe themselves with this confidence and flaunt their beliefs—beliefs they so passionately and determinately devote themselves to—I examine my heart only to see the vestiges of a shattered optimism that once enveloped me in the same way, and, if anything, I continue to move with uncertainty  farther and farther away from the ideal state of knowing what we believe is not only our truth but THEE truth ; But now. . . now I have a vulnerability, a crater for fulfillment, that stands out luridly amongst a canvas of  holistically satisfied people.

As others have searched for and found their meaning, their faith, their reasoning for existence—whether it is substantiated by a God or simply an unexplained desire for greatness—and are now intending to live the rest of their lives making decisions based on these  comforts,  I have given up even searching for this. I cant even explain to myself when or how I began staggering in my faith, or why I started seeing a world without God more believable than the fairytale everyone seems to blindly accept: I had even accepted it

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Tension of Misunderstandings

 June 13, 2013

It was just the way he looked. I just knew. It is a very authentic form of expression. I know what it meant because I struggle with its content every single day. I looked at him and I felt what he felt: That inability to take all our experiences in their vividness, in their complexity, their weight–and convey them to another person. There is a struggle, a tension. When we envision the course of events leading up to our present moment and all we want, all we need, is for the person in front of us to see our lives with the same clarity that we do. We use vague and empty words to try and summarize something that is the blur of our past, of what formulated our present understanding of the world.

Frequently  there are times when people ask us a basic question about ourselves and yet the answer is so much more than that person can possibly fathom. This is where the tension lies.

Time seems to pause as we search for the right words with the right connotations; we are forced to provide an acceptable label that characterizes and makes sense of something that is truly ineffable and chaotic. If people were able to peer into our past and witness all that we have experienced–even this would not give that person an immaculate understanding of our originating character. No other life runs parallel to our own. No one has felt, in the same sequence, all that we have felt. So I saw his face…I saw his desire to find the appropriate words so that I could understand. And in that moment I felt this tension… and I sympathized for all of mankind–as we will never become fully understood. Not really.

Enduring Purposelessness

June 23, 2012 
Why it has taken me so long to come here I don’t know.  Been so long that I feel stupid coming here… it doesn’t feel familiar anymore. I am just in pain. I don’t want it to last forever. I am trying so hard to make my own happiness but something continues to feel out of place.
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The reason I am here.. I don’t even know why I am learning this stuff. I don’t have an end goal in mind . I have no plan. Nothing. Everything I’m doing should encircle and support a single path that I intend to take. But it isn’t.. I am just doing whatever I want with little regard for whether or not my actions will bring me satisfaction in the future, as well as the present. I am so sick of longing for things I don’t have. This is all I ever do. You know whats funny about death is that there is one thing that I fear more than death. Eternity. Living forever. If we all lived forever, I am sure that everyone would end up killing themselves at one point. There is a lot of unfounded meaning and senselessness behind our lives being fleeting, and essentially containing no meaning. But there is even more condemnation behind a life that lasts forever. This is something that is hard to fathom… but all I know is that I would rather die after 60-80 years than have immortality. What if I were ever in a situation in which I couldn’t die ??
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I am so angry at the universe sometimes for putting humanity in such impossible situation–seeing death nearing and continuing to live; but I would be even more furious if I were to never die. I mean this is a shitty situation but truth is it could be shittier. At least I know that there is escape from all of this… that I know I won’t have to endure a forever, a state in which we have no control over, a state in which we are powerless to change our fate. What if someone were to tell you that you are going to freaking live forever?? What if you couldn’t kill yourself? What is forever? Time is an illusion. Not to mention the Sun will consume the earth pretty soon. It is ridiculous to talk about. I’m just saying forever is frightening. At least when we die we will cease to think, so we can’t even experience the fear we think death presents us with. I wish I had someone to share this shit with. All I want is to be proved wrong about finding someone “right” for you before I die.

Lacking Self-Respect, Meaning

Oct 28, 2012

 

I don’t know how I got like this. I’ve gone so far away from who I used to be that I wouldn’t even recognize the old me. I want to be who I was. I used to be so adamant about what I wanted in a guy, and I wouldn’t settle for anything less. One person has screwed that up for me. I wish so bad that I could go back to my old perception just for a second…just to shed light on how drastic the difference is.  I need to believe that I deserve respect. I deserve someone who will court me and fight for me and open up to me. But the problem is that I’ve stopped asking of that from others. Ive stopped believing that this is possible to find. I’ve become needy and desperate. How do I expect to find what I believe I deserve if I don’t set my expectations  on that?

 

I swear to god I will not allow myself to feel degraded by one persons opinion of me. I need to start setting my priorities on things I can depend on, and on people  who do not let me down. I need to focus on getting the best education I can get while I’m here, and hanging out with people who respect me for my personality alone. After all, that’s all I really want. I may think that my longing originates from a deficit of affection, but it is so much more than that. The core of my feeling inadequate consists of the rejection of my personality.

 

All I truly long for is to share my thoughts with someone, share my life. And for that person to love me for what I say and do, for what I believe in and for what I focus my efforts on in life. I want companionship. For someone to have my back. I lost sight of this so long ago and I’m so angry. So pissed off that I’ve let myself become engulfed by this never-ending cycle of shallow desires.  It has got to stop…the sooner I stop this, the sooner I can move on. In order to do this I just need to realize that, to him, I am nothing. I am a game to him that he has nothing invested in. he will never ever ever ever ever see that I am a human being who feels anything at all. He cares only for it is he can gain. The longer you wait, the more empty you will be when this is all over.

 

Nothing that I do matters. And if it does, it matters for a lifetime only.  I wish more than anything that I could have my ignorance back. All of it… I’ll take it all back…just so I don’t have to suffer anymore…just so I don’t have to suffer the rest of my life. I don’t want to ever advise anyone to relocate their beliefs if that’s what gives them comfort. I don’t ever want to take it from them. I don’t see myself ever having  consistent optimism..ever being about to wake up in the morning and not be instantly overcome by fear and emptiness. How does anyone live like this?

 

All I see in my future is no future at all..once something tragic happens to me or to my family then I know I’ll end my life. The only reason I trudge around is because I was fortunate to have people who love me. But I live half-heartedly.. I’m not  even living..?? ha, as far as I’m concerned, I’m already dead.  I can’t believe that, if I do end up staying alive for a while,  that I have wasted so much of my time, my efforts, on people who only bring me down. That I let people exacerbate my already degrading view of myself. That I let others partial perspective determine how I see myself, how I see my worth.  That I do absolutely nothing significant every day even though I know my days are limited. I want to ask others, “where does your motivation come from,” “where do you get this innate aggressiveness towards life and towards progressing?” Because it has never resided in me.  I don’t even know how a mind like mine exists right now, or rather how evolution would allow for such a counterproductive set of genes

Depression Nearing- age 18

Jan 26, 2012

We may find fulfillment during the day, through laughter or personal triumphs, but these are not to be mistaken for things I can depend on. These are fleeting. The moments I find appreciation for the small comforts that give me ephemeral optimism—these moments are blighted by the gut-wrenching truth that I am unconditionally alone in this world. That is my default. That is everybody’s default. The only times when I feel for a second that happiness could be inviolable are when I am near my family—but I know even this, my ultimate dependency, my rock, will become deteriorated by time.

Fear is a word that is thrown around so casually, with such little thought. A girl is fearful of spiders;  my friend fears heights. But I don’t think anyone can actually measure or fathom the amount of fear I have in my heart, eating away at my potential for happiness every single day. It is in this way that I despise human emotion, or, that we can feel for ourselves and for others—that we can anticipate suffering nearing us but continue to live. I don’t know how to characterize the fear I have, or how to give dimensions of its depths.

That I know for a fact, and that I cannot control, that my family will not be with me at a certain point—this is my greatest fear, what hinders me from ever fully committing to pursue life whole heartedly. This knowledge is a malignancy that I will never be rid of and that I cannot cure or mitigate. I cant help but believe this is how I will live the rest of my life: in fear. I dread every day over something that hasn’t even happened–over the future. It’s just that I can’t devote myself to upholding such ignorance. How does anything, any accomplishment or happiness I attain, hold value or mean anything to me in the end if I don’t have my family? These achievements are vain attempts to reach a satisfaction to simply get us through life feeling hopeful, confident; but no streak of happiness, however long or rich, will make losing my family any less painful.

I cannot continue to live among a world I don’t understand. I have accepted that the universe doesn’t care, that things don’t happen for a reason, and that life and death are natural occurrences every species deals with. But it is the extremities of our emotional state that infuriates and confuses me. It’s what feels unnatural to me. And it’s what conflicts with my desire to live

Approach and Recoil

Sept 16, 2012
I feel like all I ever try to do in this life is struggle to tie up loose ends, to mend together broken pieces.That’s all we ever do. There is always something that we wish we could change, almost to the point to where we seek out adversity just to construct our minds. All we focus our efforts on is fixing the problems in front of us that control and demand our attention. Is this all that life is? Happiness is just a fleeting abatement of suffering. Is that what we journey towards? Are we more happy when we receive something we earn, or something we are awarded by chance?
Sept 26, 2012
I wish I could give this world all that I have, all my curiosity..that I could open up my mind completely, let in everything that is both beautiful and enervating. But some things are too blindingly painful to look at. I still have so many weaknesses that hamper on my progress for the truth. Human emotion is the source of this. The origin of every aching sensation, of longing. At times it is so hard for me to be the person I know I am capable of being. I do have so many stabilities that I am thankful for. For my family that I love. For friends that accept me, as I am changing. For my freedom that I was miraculously given by being born in a certain country, while others are subject to oppression day in and day out. I know that not everyone has this…and that this alone should give me the comfort I crave. But I think I’m beginning to
realize that the composition of happiness is far from concrete, it is not fixed… it is molded out of every person’s accumulation of suffering, of the same longing I experience. There is no one path leading directly to it and it does not last.
Sept 30, 2012
Life is nothing but scavenging for threads of enjoyment.. . and piecing them together with an inaccurate understanding of the world. You get an A on a paper, someone compliments your outfit…and then you conclude that your life is improving, and the world makes sense again. Disappointment arises. Repeat cyle. You die. I’m here and I know that this place is so unique. That billions of years of nature taking its path has led to this moment– to my complex brain being able to learn and process language, and form thoughts of my own in an instant. Science is so beautiful, and using mathematics to represent the patterns of science blows me away. What we are able to explain about the universe is the hardest thing to comprehend, and what we know is barely anything. How something is created from nothing. So much that is unknown. While I’m here I want to explore and understand all that I’m capable of. I understand why everyone around me is so afraid to approach absurdity. I understand why there is no one that I can approach to talk about the universe’ past and future…about death…about the tragedy we call the gift of life and of consciousness. I understand why I cannot call anyone, I cant sit down on the couch with anyone and have that person verbalize the same fears I face every single day. I know no one who can ever say to me “I know exactly what you’re going through” and mean it.

Withdrawing Into Self

Aug 1, 2013

I reach for the depths of human happiness in the shallow acceptance of others. No. I reached for this. And I reach no more. I look inside of myself for the dispersion of peace–the only place that unconditionally provides it. Within my soul, not a single thing can enter. And to this sanctuary I come visit. This quiet, untouched corner of my being. I will no longer reach…I no longer have to. My existence is the approval of nature alone; my body, my mind, my reason, my breath, my blood, my will, my soul. Pain will come. Disappointment. Anger. Bitterness. Chaos will encroach my being. All around me, disorder rages on, beyond my control; but, inside of me…here is where I can create an orderly assessment. Here is where my thoughts can once again become pure, where my desire ceases to exist simply because my soul requires nothing to sustain its permanence. By default, it is self-sustaining. Happiness is a choice. I choose to find it, to have it within me.

What’s ironic is that by no longer reaching, but by retreating within myself, I find this happiness–a joy fueled by seeming invincibility. I have searched and searched and searched for a healthy provider of contentment. I believe I’ve found it. Suddenly, I nurture all that is my nature. I look for beauty and order and I find it within myself. This is something I can create by attending to the only thing I can control: my thoughts. I can quiet the longing and the fear by no longer seeing a reason to long… or a reason to fear. I never need to step outside to search for something that is eternally accessible on the inside. This vast, vacant space that is the inviolable soul.

I am being nice to myself.